matters of the mind

wow it is daunting to take a leap

and not look back

because you cannot look back

you're falling, more like soaring

but if you look back you risk being stuck in that awkward-painful neck rotation

while you jump to your death

na-uhh we don't want to add tax on our suicide - thank you very much

i have never been not-suicidal, come to think of it

this one time I made a list of interesting ways to kill yourself

painless ways to evaporate off the face of planet earth

wuhoo

i can't not make lists

i'm a virgo

even this free-write is a messy shawdy list

now that you're reading this, I want to say hello

you may not really know me, heck, i don't know myself all that well

but we're both getting there, and cheers to that

i don't think death is pretty, neither do I think it's beautiful

it simply is

and I think about death a lot

mortality

i think of my dogs dying the most actually

and there's a trigger - their paws on the wooden floor

nails going tick-tick-tick and then a pause

scratch scratch scratch

and then the slow tick-tick-tick

dusky follows me everywhere

she's fat, dumb, and adorable

she blinks at me with doll eyes and a body full of eggs

oh no

you can't choose who you love now, can you?

speaking of love...hmm...I'm not sure about it anymore

I'm no longer in love with anyone

you know you do something so much

it becomes your way

or perhaps it's such an integral part of life

I can't tell when I'm not loving

is this a presence problem?

where did my rosy romancing self go?

maybe I burried her

maybe she got bored and left and forgot the way home

this is by no means saddening, I like this version of myself too

more structured, more dancing, more flowing

less tinted, less movie-saga, less

floral

maybe it's stress

but

why am I writing as if to solve a condition?

i don't think there's anything wrong with me?

I do think i'm very different from the person I was a week ago

is this true

can you be immune to lovers after having one too many

can you be immune to feeling butterflies after having your heart shattered

yes

of course

but there's so much strength in keeping your doors open

heart-lights turnt the fuck on for your person

whomever they are

wherever they are atm

so much strength in surrender

but I don't feel anything

why?

this shit blocks my throat

being honest

come to think of it, I am not always honest with myself

the lies I feed oh boy

{my body needed rest so I overslept}

did I tell you I started smoking?

maybe it's the lure of the ashtray - brown and blue ceramic

it was a gift from a small handicraft shop in Jaipur

for my father

i stole it

for myself

the prettiest ashtray in this house

now collects the dead bodies of my cigarettes

I smoke light, they look good, and taste better

sitting between my short stubby fingers

aah

and then there's yoga

post high

I feel my body so much more after fucking it up

{the paradoxes in my life, I tell you}

you're still here?

having jumped thought trains and mindless garble

hello,

how're you feeling?

I've been consumed by so much, didn't even feel you by my side

I know you're here, always here

thank you. i love you.

I can't stop writing before my 10 minutes is up

this pressure is irritating

how am I supposed to write a fricking novel if I find 10 minutes intolerable?

gotta put little by little becomes a lot into

real practice

aah

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

a plantling will sprout from my armpit if I don't wax it this week

i'm sure of it

love plants so much, I birth one

haha. no. don't want to be a mother so soon.