of my fears & trust

I fear being misunderstood.

I mean something but something else comes out of my mouth.

And even though I mean what I say, it's often understood to be ugly.

Maybe this fear stems from letting my friends speak for me in school,

or letting my birthmother decide what will look good on me,

what I should eat, how I should behave.

Maybe in my childhood, I didn't express enough.

My needs, my thoughts, my hurt, and happiness,

I kept it to myself because I didn't think anyone would get it,

or maybe because I'd be hurt if they didn't share my emotion

or empathize with me, let alone mock me for feeling it.

And even though I'm 21 now,

I've carried parts and pieces of my younger self with me.

And I fear that people wouldn't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Or they'd try to impose their beliefs on me.

I am letting this go today.

I want to communicate better.

I see myself as someone who is crisp and eloquent in expression.

I am naked in words. I want to feel and let people know how I'm doing sans expectations. I want to practice honesty with myself, and no longer stay gripped in the claws of self-fabricated fears.

I don't have to be what I have been.

I craft my life with love and patience and goodwill.

I attract nourishment. I attract understanding.

I trust the universe to take care of me.

When I'm unable to keep going or my bones are weak,

I will ask for help.

my doors are open

I'm accepting the kindness of strangers.

Knowing how much my family loves me is one thing,

actively allowing myself to be nourished is another.

what's the point of going against the grain?

I flow in love. I trust my family and my friends to be there,

to handle me with care when I'm unequipped,

I trust them to show me the way when I falter,

and to stand by me when I make life choices.

I trust them to hold me, absorb my tears,

grow flowers on my skin - build a space

of warmth and honest expression through conversations.