resolution

conflict resolution

I've been nasty most of my time on earth.

I've been mean, and rude, and sneaky.

I am aware of my flaws, and I consciously put in the work, one day at a time towards my relationship with the people I love the most in my life. There is no reason, no fucking reason I should be anything less than grateful for having them in my life. Being grateful is not a stock concept. You cannot be grateful for your family one moment and treat your sister shabbily the next. Gratitude is a flow concept. It's like exercising the body, the more you do it, the more muscle you build. The more you practice being kind, the better your relationships will nurture.

Maa says, and I agree with her, "each day is a challenge".

Each day you choose how you behave and the energy you put or receive.

Lately, I've been focusing on making amends.

I can be so stupid with my people. I spit words left right and center sometimes without forethought. I'm glad there is space for that. I understand I must not misuse the gift of true love for personal angst. It is not okay to make the people I love, feel miserable. And truly, I want to thank my mama for it. She has helped me from the deepest darkest corners of life. For someone whose shoulder hurts on lifting heavyweights, she has vacuumed my ugly shit and thrown it so far away, it's disappeared.

I feel beautiful. I feel strong. I feel trusted and capable.

I've been an asshole for so long and there is no sorry that can fix it. But lately I've been consciously making choices, and genuinely working towards kinder, beautiful relationships. There's a long way to go, and I'm glad. I have the best people to mentor me. I have the fucking sky to my rescue. This has been one of the most eye-opening times of my life. And I feel more stable.

[mentally, emotionally, and physically]